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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25986007">i am not less. i am more!</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/AutisticCassCain/pseuds/AutisticCassCain'>AutisticCassCain</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Criminal Minds (US TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Autistic Spencer Reid, Canon Autistic Character, Gen, Spencer Reid is Autistic, actually autistic author</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 12:02:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,625</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25986007</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/AutisticCassCain/pseuds/AutisticCassCain</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>William leaves. Diana falls apart and Spencer tries desperately to put the broken pieces of their family back together. He makes sure his mom eats and goes to work, while forgetting to eat his own breakfast and barely making it to school on time. He is Atlas with the weight of his family’s future on his shoulders. He deals. He makes it to school just after first bell, he does all his homework and doesn’t bother his teachers for more information, he shakes hands and forces himself to make eye contact. (he cannot afford to be more of a bother than he already is, his mom shouldn’t have to handle more of his abnormalities.) </p><p>//</p><p>Spencer is autistic and so am I. This is a fic about autism.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Diana Reid &amp; Spencer Reid, Spencer Reid &amp; The BAU Team, Spencer Reid &amp; William Reid</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>237</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i am not less. i am more!</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I love Spencer so much!! I've been wanting to write an autism fic for a while now, and when I started watching Criminal Minds, I knew I wanted to write about Spence. I am autistic, so some of this fic is written with my experiences in mind, but if anything seems insensitive, let me know in the comments!</p><p>Title is from Detective Comics #956, written by James Tynion IV (Cass Cain is autistic, this is a hill I will die on, and I love this quote so much)</p><p>tw for brief mention of drug use, bullying, ableism, and one use of the r word</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Spencer Reid is four years old when he starts talking, and he never seems to stop. He tells his parents about his day, about the books he’s read and what the kids at kindergarten wore and what he’d learned from his teacher. </p><p>Diana is delighted that her baby is finally talking to her. She’d waited four long years to hear his sweet little voice, and it was worth it. The doctors had told her and William that since Spencer was showing no other signs of being developmentally delayed, he was probably just waiting to talk until he was ready. It was a bit abnormal, but nothing to worry about. </p><p>For years, that is how Spencer is described (by his mom and his dad and his teachers and the librarian and the kids at school and and and). A little abnormal, (freak weird <i>retard<i>) but nothing to really worry about. </i></i></p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Spencer does nothing but read? We’re worried that he’s not making friends, but it’s good that his reading is already so advanced.<br/>
Spencer doesn’t play normally, he just lines up all his toys in neat little rows? It’s a little strange, but we’re happy that he’s so neat.<br/>
Spencer isn’t making any friends at school? Well, with how advanced he is, that’s to be expected. I’m sure he has neighbors to play with.<br/>
(spencer is getting bullied? well, boys have a way of sorting that out for themselves) (man up, spencer, we can’t take care of everything for you)</i>
  </i>
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<hr/><p>
  <i>
    <i>Spencer’s <i>condition<i> is an open secret around the neighbourhood. (he probably takes after poor crazy diana) (come on honey, you don’t want to play with him) </i></i></i>
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        <i>Everyone knows how smart he is, how he won’t shut up if you get him started on certain topics like Doctor Who and Star Trek and Star Wars and Halloween and.... And everyone one knows how he’s always picked last for sports and how no one will play with the local weirdo and how he won’t look people in the eye or shake their hands (that spencer reid is such a rude little boy) (is that really surprising though, raised by a mother like that ?) (you know, i heard the father left because his family was just too much for him to handle) (can you blame him?)</i>
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        <i>But the neighbors and his teachers and his schoolmates tolerate it, because everyone knows that you have to be nice to the <i>special<i> kids. Spencer’s first grade teacher suggests moving him up a grade after she noticed how quickly he finishes his in-class work and how constantly bored he appears. This suggestion is met with enthusiasm from Diana and slight apprehension from William, but in the end, they both agree. </i></i></i>
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            <i>Mrs. Johnson’s next suggestion is met with nothing but stony silence. </i>
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            <i>“I’d also recommend that you get Spencer tested for autism syndrome. I’ve noticed him display several of the symptoms and I want him to get all the support he needs, but unfortunately there’s not much we can do without an official diagnosis from a doctor.”<br/>
William’s responding glare could melt steel. Diana laughs nervously. “William and I will have to talk about it, but thank you for letting us know.” William gives a curt nod, then grasps Diana firmly by the hand and marches out the door. </i>
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            <i>Spencer is moved up to the second grade a week later and the meeting is never spoken about in his presence. But his parents don’t forget.</i>
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            <i>(william and diana have fights about this for years. it’s one of the arguments that culminates in a letter on a bed and tears and frantic statistics. william is adamant that there is nothing wrong with his son, he doesn’t need to be tested for anything and the only “accommodation” he needs is a parent who won’t give in to his whining. diana sees how much spencer struggles with other children his age and how lonely he is. she sees how he struggles to push back tears in crowded shopping malls and how he’ll itch and itch until his neck is bloody if she buys a shirt made from the wrong material, but when she tries to explain this to william he closes his eyes and ears and heart, until he is a father made of stone.)</i>
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            <i>(when spencer is seven he hears his parents arguing again, and asks the nice librarian at the public library what autism means. he loves learning new words, likes the feel of them around his tongue. the librarian has long since stopped being surprised by his unusual requests, and tells him that it’s a word for people whose brains don’t work right. for people who are different. but it’s not something you’re supposed to talk about, and would you like me to find you another book about the history of American holidays?)</i>
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            <i>(it’s not something you’re supposed to talk about, so spencer doesn’t. the kids at school call him autistic, but it’s clearly supposed to be an insult, with the way they shove past him. he spends seven minutes and three seconds flapping his hands to make the bad feeling in his stomach and chest go away. his eyes burn, but he doesn’t cry, because he’s a big boy now and big boys don’t cry. he doesn’t want another reason to make his dad disappointed in him.)</i>
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            <i>William leaves. Diana falls apart and Spencer tries desperately to put the broken pieces of their family back together. He makes sure his mom eats and goes to work, while forgetting to eat his own breakfast and barely making it to school on time. He is Atlas with the weight of his family’s future on his shoulders. He deals. He makes it to school just after first bell, he does all his homework and doesn’t bother his teachers for more information, he shakes hands and forces himself to make eye contact. (he cannot afford to be more of a bother than he already is, his mom shouldn’t have to handle more of his abnormalities.) </i>
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            <i>He walks to the store and buys their necessities with hoarded pennies and dollars earned from pitying neighbors and teachers. (Diana becomes afraid that the government is tracking them from her credit card purchases and cuts her card up. She barely manages to make it out of the house. She loses her job. On the days when his earnings aren’t enough for them to make it through it the week, Spencer forces her out of bed and into clean clothes and to the bank, where their money slowly dwindles away.)</i>
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            <i>Spencer makes sure to always look clean and healthy and reasonably well-rested, because when he is eleven he forgets to eat too many days in a row and passes out in the middle of class. Social Services are called to their house by a well-meaning but clueless school nurse, and Diana and Spencer do their best to make it look like they aren’t both slowly falling apart. The visit goes well, and Spencer crawls into his mother’s bed that night and cries himself to sleep. Diana hums an almost forgotten nursery rhyme and strokes his hair. (this never happens again. spencer is too frightened of what will happen to him, what will happen to his <i>mom<i>, to ever risk another visit from social services.)</i></i></i>
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                 </i></i></i></i></i></i></i></p>
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  <i><i><br/>
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                <i>Spencer goes to college. He leaves his mother with promises to visit as often as he can. He pays a nurse from a nearby long-term care facility to check in on her every day, make sure that she’s eating and that she hasn’t hurt herself. Spencer never misses a weekend visit, and he sends a letter every day. </i>
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                <i>He gets his first PhD, his second, third. He turns eighteen and betrays his mother. He has her committed to Bennington Sanitarium, the best in the area. He had run a thorough background check before he made the decision, and Bennington passed every test he could think of. But when he stands in front of his mother and tells her she has to leave the only home she’s known for thirty years, he still feels like the worst son in the world. </i>
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                <i>He still sends her letters every day. It does little to make up for that black pit in his chest, but at least it lets his mom know that he loves her. </i>
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                <i>Spencer meets Agent Jason Gideon at a lecture on profiling serial killers versus spree killers, and life slows down, and picks up at break-neck speed. He meets the team, and he is nervous and stuttering. He doesn’t shake anyone’s hand and makes no eye contact, but no one makes fun of him or comments on his abnormalities. He learns to relax.</i>
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                <i>One day, he feels safe enough to flap his hands after a long and difficult case. The unsub had been using heroin to make his victims more compliant, and this feels similar enough to Hankel that Spencer feels on edge and sick. They catch him in the end, but Spencer is exhausted and stressed and he knows that stimming is the only thing that will calm him down, but he <i>can’t<i>. It’s <i>weird<i> and <i>annoying<i> and what will they think of him if they see…</i></i></i></i></i></i></i>
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                            <i>But. He has known his team for years now. They’re like family to him (more than family) (they won’t leave because spencer has become too much to handle) and he trusts them with his life. If he can trust them with that, he can trust them with this other part of himself. </i>
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                            <i>He sits down on a seat next to Morgan, and looks out the window into a clear starry night. His leg bounces and his hands twist and pull on his tie, and no one thinks any different of him.</i>
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